I’m having trouble sleeping this week. The more I organize and pack, the more restless and tense I become. I am a creature of habit (as is my spouse) and unless I’m forced to keep “on the move” very frequently, never being allowed to put roots down in the first place, I’m never comfortable with being uprooted. I don’t care if I had a billion dollars and was moving to my own tropical island, I’d still initially hate shaking the dirt off my roots and trying to re-plant myself elsewhere.

We’ve been living in this rented house for 15 years. We’ve had a landlord we barely ever saw, who left us alone and let us do pretty much anything we wanted while here. “Just don’t burn the house down” was what he basically said when we moved in. Because of this “landlord disconnect,” it’s not like we’ve been living in an apartment and can’t wait to finally move into “our own house” in terms of having a place where we can do anything we like/have privacy. We’ve already kind of had that feeling for 15 years.

Emotionally, this place has been somewhere in-between being a rental and being “our own house.” Odd sensation. It’s what makes us reluctant to move, even if we’re better off. It’s what will make us miss living here. It’s not about the area, or the local stores, or any of that stuff. It’s about the fact that 15 years of us are in this house. It’s the fact we have such deep roots in the house itself.

I know I can get used to the new house. I can get used to having a little less space for a while. I can get used to having only one bathroom instead of two. I can get used to pretty much anything, in a few months or six. But this first house purchase, like for so many others before us, isn’t likely a house where we really want/desire to put down deep roots. Maybe the next house. And I like having deep roots. Permanence and stability. It’s a thing I have insecurities about I guess. I’ve always envied people who can seem to pick up and leave at a moments notice and don’t care where they’re sleeping any given day.

Of course, you can’t achieve any of those things without taking initial steps first. And I’m sure it’ll all be for the better/best.
But I still can’t sleep. So I came here to write nonsensical babble instead. *slaps self* That’s enough of that for one month.